Oh, the Things You Never Knew
by Konichiwa Kitty
Summary: Funny little stories, all about Bleach. Includes nothing of OCs or other worlds. The only yaoi/yuri you'll find here is for humiliating the characters. Rated T for some suggestive stuff and some bad language.
1. Chapter 1: Aizen's Secret Tattoo

Aizen's Secret Tattoo

It was a mystery to many, what Aizen's body looked like underneath his clothes. Fangirls went crazy depicting it, animators slammed their heads on tables trying to figure out how to draw it, Lady Gaga tried to steal her costume back and simultaneously catch a glimpse in vain. Not many had seen Aizen's true body. However...

It was another gloomy day in Hueco Mundo. But Aizen was strangely happy. In fact, he'd just gone into town that day and bought a new radio. Several of the Espada thought it suspicious, because he'd been there much longer than it would've taken to just buy a radio. Aizen reflected on the surprise he'd found in town that day...(The Town: A town much like a normal town, but populated by Hollows. Cannibalism rates are sky-high, with only the stronger ones surviving [unless you're an adorable Hollow puppy no one can resist].)

He'd strolled into town that day intending to do something he'd always wanted to do: get a tattoo. There were several tattoo parlors, but Aizen chose the one that looked the most professional. Interestingly enough, its name was Silver's Tattoo Parlor, just like Gin's name ("Gin" means silver in Japanese). He walked in, and lo and behold! There sat Gin behind the counter, grinning his trademark grin and delicately putting a tube of ink into the tattoo-machine-needle-thing. He looked up as he finished and noticed Aizen standing there, mouth open wide enough to catch a butterfly along with some mosquitoes. "Well, nice to meet you here, Aizen-sama! It's so nice of you to come here and visit me! Or did you come to get a tattoo?"

Aizen hurriedly shut his gaping mouth. "Ahem that is, erm...I actually came here to get a tattoo," he said awkwardly. Gin's smile got even bigger, if it was even anatomically possible for that to happen. "Alright! A paying customer! So, what kind of tattoo would you like today? And where would you like it, sir?" Aizen looked uncomfortable. "Um, you see, that is, I..." "Go on," said Gin. "I'm listening."

Embarrassed, Aizen said, "I'd like my tattoo to be of...I'd like it to be...uh..." And he pointed to Gin, then to a very private spot on his body. Gin's faced suddenly lost all of its color, his eyes were slightly opened in disbelief, and he wasn't smiling anymore. "Ah! Er...If that's where you want it...and if that's the tattoo you want...um...It'll be rather costly..." Aizen, now a lovely shade of bright red, waved his arms around. "No, it's fine! I have plenty of money (that I stole from the tax money those Arrancars pay me)!" After that followed an extremely uncomfortable few hours in which Gin proceeded to tattoo his own face above Aizen's intimate parts. Gin was the one who suggested buying the radio afterwards, as a coverup story. So that was how Gin knew about Aizen's secret tattoo. His face still burns red each time he remembers...

* * *

Oh, I can't help laughing every time I reread this. Even if I'm the one who wrote this.

Completely un-canon, not true, though it would be interesting to see if he has any weird tattoos on underneath. Even Lady Gaga wants to know.

Try and guess where Aizen wanted his tattoo.


	2. Chapter 2: Byakuya vs Ichigo

Byakuya vs Ichigo: A Random Tale of Yaoi involving Renji

It was just another peaceful day in Soul Society. Hitsugaya was working, Rukia was training, Sado and Uryu had come to visit Orihime, who was practicing her powers with Hachi, one of the Visored...

All of a sudden, the sound of arguing broke out. It was Ichigo and Byakuya who were arguing. The subject of their argument? Abarai Renji, Vice-Captain of Squad 6.

Byakuya is calmly stating why Renji is his. "Fuku-Taichou Abarai Renji is in Squad 6, of which I am Captain of. Therefore, he is under my jurisdiction and belongs to ME."

"Oh yeah?" Ichigo is in a temper today, tsk tsk. "Well I'm I better friend to Renji than you'll ever be, and he doesn't even come close to enjoying your company. His main goal is to defeat you after all!"

"I would gladly accept defeat from Renji if it meant..." A dreamy look appears on Byakuya's face and he blushes slightly...

SLAP! Poor Bya-kun is jolted out of his daydream by a vicious slap from Ichigo, who now looks throughly frustrated. Right at that moment, Renji walks around the corner, busily eating a bowl of dumplings. Ichigo and Byakuya glomp onto him, making him drop his bowl of expensively delicious, mouth-watering dumplings and untying his hair so that it fell over his shoulders. They then proceeded to run their fingers through his log red hair, jealously glaring at each other all the while.

"NOOOOO! NOT MY DUMPLINGS! Do you know how much they cost?... ACK! MY HAIR, NOT MY HAIR! YOU'LL RUIN IT'S SHININESSSSSSS!" Renji's appalled screams of rage were heard all the way in Hueco Mundo, where even Aizen paused to listen for a moment. "That was NOT part of my plan," he muttered under his breath...

Meanwhile, Renji was trying to run away from the crazed Ichigo and Byakuya, but only succeeded in dragging them along. He tripped and fell, and Ichigo quickly tied him up to drag him into the nearest building, but Byakuya stole Renji from him and flash-stepped to the squad's headquarters. Ichigo soon caught up, however...  
Renji was fed up with this, and decided to...

"BANKAI! HIHIOU ZABIMARU!" And that was how Squad 6 headquarters were destroyed. Again.  
To decide who would get Renji, Ichigo and Byakuya decided to play rock-paper-scissors. After many rounds in which Ichigo and Byakuya kept on tying, Renji finally just pushed the two of them together, and Ichigo found out that Byakuya was rather a good match for him...and a good kisser.

And so both Ichigo and Byakuya were happy, and Renji finally didn't have to worry about someone glomping him as he ate his delicious, mouth-watering bowl of dumplings..

"RENJI! LOOK AT MY NEW CHAPPY!" GLOMP! Renji dropped his bowl of extremely expensive mouth-watering dumplings again. Rukia had gotten a new Chappy, and was determined to show everyone in the Soul Society.  
Eventually she walked in on Ichigo and Byakuya...

"Nii-sama? Ichigo? What are you doing!..."

Rukia's shriek of absolute disbelief was heard yet again in Hueco Mundo by Aizen. He began to think that he should include Shrieks and Screams of Strong Emotions in his plans...

* * *

Normally, I don't really like yaoi. But this was just too funny an idea to pass up. (good for humiliating certain characters! *coughcough*)

And I'm really jealous of Renji's dumplings xD


	3. Chapter 3: Grimmjow's Emolution

Grimmjow's Emo-lution

Ulquiorra was very distressed about Grimmjow's emo rating of Absolute Zero. He decided to complete an "emo-lution" on him. The first step? Catching the kitty.

Once that was taken care of, Ulquiorra happily grabbed an Expo marker and began drawing on Grimmjow's face... But he still wasn't satisfied.

"Your hair is too blue. I will recolor it for you." Grimmjow's shriek of rage could be heard all the way in Soul Society as he broke free of his bonds and started running. Very, very fast.

Ulquiorra couldn't catch up, so he decided to visit Orihime for a break to rest a little while. As he walked in the door, she rushed at him holding a bowl of soup. "Ulquiorra, your soup is ready!"

Incredulously, he stared at her, then replied, "Emos don't drink soup..." (It was fear of the soup itself that drove him to this...we all know what Orihime's cooking is like.)

Orihime stared at him. And stared. And stared. And then...

"YOU WILL DRINK YOUR SOUP AND DRINK IT WELL, DAMN YOU ULQUIORRA!"

*Ulquiorra melts into a little pile of sludge* "Yes, my dear Orihime," he whimpers in fear. Peeping from a window is Yumichika: "So beautiful, even in anger! Squee!"

Immediately Ulquiorra unmelts back into his regular self, grabbing Yumichika and dragging him to the Human World.  
Ulquiorra raised his hand. "Stop. Orihime is MINE."

"Oh yea? My zanpakutou can kick your butt, and then she'll be mine! So beautiful! Squee!"  
Back in Hueco Mundo, Orihime sneezed violently.

Yumichika prepared to use his full Shikai. Just then Kenpachi was racing toward them, as he had felt the powerful spirit pressure of Ulquiorra.

"There's Yumichika! Wait...WHAT IN BLUE PANCAKES IS HE DOING?"

Once the business with Yumichika was finished, Ulquiorra had a sudden Emo Inspiration Attack and raced back to Orihime...

After a traumatic experience with Orihime and her...ahem...roundness, shall we say, Grimmjow was back in the "Torture Room," complete with bluish-black hair, black-dyed eyebrows, and Expo-marker-drawn Ulquiorra Tear-marks and whiskers. As Ulquiorra held up the mirror, Grimmjow increased his killing intent until it was at 100%. While Ulquiorra was complimenting his emo-ness, "Take a look at your new awesome emo self!" The weak wooden post Grimmjow was attached to shook with his anger. Catastrophe is soon to come...

* * *

Bleach is not mine and never will be, first of all.

And sorry to emo people.


	4. Chapter 4: You're Fighting Over ME?

You're Fighting Over ME?

Sunny days in Hueco Mundo are hard to come by, unless they're from the fake sky in Las Noches. Strangely enough, the moon was shining very bright that day in Hueco Mundo, turning night into almost-day. Sadly, although many were enjoying this unusual bout of moonshine, two rather testosterone-filled males were having a go at it onthe middle of the desert. The two males? Ichigo Kurosaki and Ulquiorra Cifer. The main puzzle was, who were they fighting over? Amazingly, it was none other than large-boobed, kind-hearted, terrible-cook Orihime Inoue. Of course, she didn't know that they were fighting over her. She didn't even know they were fighting. Ichigo was wearing his hollow mask and in Bankai, while Ulquiorra was on his second release. Both were bleeding profusely, the blood glowing a dark red in the moonshine. Before we go forward, we must go back. Why exactly were those two, who'd already made up, fighting over a single girl? The answer lies in a conversation they were having one day, as they thought about who they loved...  
"I love you Orihi forget it." Ichigo's sudden outburst drew Ulquiorra's attention. As he stared at Ichigo, the full implications of what Ichigo had just said hit him. Ulquiorra was furious. "Fight me! A battle of supremacy for dear Orihime!"  
"There's no way I'm fighting you again, you emo-bat-boy!"  
Ulquiorra glared at Ichigo. "It is over the matter of love," he stated simply. "What's this all about?" Ichigo was panicked. "You're too emo to know what love is!"  
At this, Ulquiorra was horrified. "I can't let you take Orihime away!" he shouted frantically. "...You're insane."  
"How dare you! I will win, and you'll never take Orihime away from me again! Never!"  
"I don't even want to fight with an emo like you!"  
"Noooo! How will I stake my claim on Orihime if we don't fight?"  
"First of all, she doesn't even belong with you! Emo and cheerful are not compatible!"  
Staring down at the laptop on his lap, Ulquiorra came close to shedding tears. "But that's what all the fans said, so I assumed it must be true..."  
Ichigo's face was one of unparalleled shock. "You believe the fans?"  
"Of course!"  
Ichigo facepalmed. "If the fans decided that you and Grimmjow made a great couple, would you try to become his boyfriend?"  
"Of course not!" Ulquiorra exclaimed in disgust. "There you go! You don't have to follow what the fans say!"  
There was silence between them, while Ulquiorra browsed his fan site. Looking through an interesting thread, he realized that many people hated Ichigo's Vasto Lorde form, saying Ulquiorra would've win if Ichigo hadn't just jumped to that powerful phase. Upon seeing this, Ulquiorra gained new courage. "You! I would've won if you hadn't just gone into Vasto Lorde form! You had to become a hollow yourself to beat a hollow! Proof that Shinigami are inferior!"  
Ichigo glared. "Who said I wanted to fight again with an emo such as you?"  
Ulquiorra's face became as stormy as physically possible. "Shinigami die easier!"  
"Oh yeah? Prove it, emo-bat-boy!"  
"If a certain Strawberry-boy wasn't so afraid to fight me, I would!"  
"Who said I was AFRAID?" By now, both of then were standing up, shouting at each other. "Well, since the Carrot-top denies wishing to fight me, there's no possibility for me to prove my point! So there!"  
"CARROT-TOP? NOBODY calls me 'Carrot-top!'"  
Grimmjow walked into his living room, drawn by the loud voices. "Calm down, guys!" (He was in a hippie phase.) "Cant we just make peace and be fr "  
"SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT!" Poor Grimmkitty was blown back by the force of their shouts. He tumbled out of the room and ran to the kitchen, where he began busily making a tuna fish sandwich to calm his nerves. Being male as they were, they were both riled up and angry. One thing led to another, and soon they had chosen their battleground and were fighting for supremacy. As they fought, they traded insults in between blows. "Are you weakening, Carrot-top? That last Getsuga Tensho felt like a mild breeze blowing through my wings."  
"Shove it, emo-bat-boy! If anything, I think it's YOU that's weakening! Have you seen your Ceros? Even your 'ultimate' Cero Oscuras is barely causing any damage!"  
"You bluff, Strawberry-boy! You are definitely weakening from the force of my blows. Soon, we'll see who wins! The last one to fall will be the victor!"  
And so they fought on...and on...and on...their blows got weaker and weaker, until Ichigo was just wildly swinging Zangetsu at Ulquiorra, while the other's tail whipped around lazily with barely enough force to injure a baby. Yet still they fought, with seemingly no end. The day of moonshine ended, and soon they were fighting in the dark night by the light of a crescent moon. Ichigo's shoulders ached with a burning pain, while he had numerous deep cuts and slashes on his legs and torso. Ulquiorra's hands were bleeding badly from blocking Zangetsu, while he only had one and a half wings left. They were both in bad condition, but neither would back down. Finally, exhausted beyond belief, they collapsed at exactly the same nanosecond, hitting the sand at the same time. A scouting unit from Aizen found them and carried them back to Hueco Mundo. Once Orihime heard of their condition, she raced away from her cooking to look upon them both and care for them. But their battle wasn't over yet...They were just resting up to fight again in the future.

* * *

So, let's see...Ichigo's same as ever, Ulquiorra's creepily OOC, and apparently Grimmjow's become a hippie. With awesome blue hair.

Nothing unusual, not at all...*whistles*


	5. Chapter 5: Not as Innocent as You Though

Not as Innocent as You Thought It was a nice day in the park. Ichigo was sitting on a park bench, browsing fan sites with his new iPad. As he looked through the stories, he saw one that caught his eye. Reading through it, he was appalled by the yaoi mentions in it. "WHY THE HELL DOES THIS INVOLVE ME? Mother of god!..." Just then, he heard a chuckle coming from inside his brain. Ichigo immediately knew who it was. "NOW THIS MOTHERF*CKER?" he screamed. All the people within earshot turned to look at him angrily, and all the birds suddenly took off, not wanting to be near the crazy swearing carrot-head. "Haha, like it king?" said the voice inside his head again, whom we now know is Hichigo. "You son of a-!"

Rukia was walking by, and was astounded by his apparent insanity and horrible swearing. "ICHIGO!" she shouted, interrupting him. At her accusing glare, Ichigo shrank back against the park bench, hugging the iPad to him. "IT'S NOT MEEEEEEEEEEEH!" he denied. "I'm not pretty sure about it, Ichigo!" she replied angrily. At this, Ichigo nearly burst into tears. "Why, Rukia, why?"

By now, the area around them was nearly empty. At the annoyed glances of the occasional passerby, Rukia said, "Eeem...Ichigo is a liar..."

"LOOK WHO'S TALKING, YOU PERVY-GASM OBSESSED, GIRL?" he shouted indignantly.

"I AM NOT PERVY-GASM OBSESSED! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HATES THE AWESOME CHAPPY!"

"Don't you remember our last conversation with Grimmjow?"

"...Wut?" Rukia was confused. Ichigo grinned evilly. "Don't be such a forgetful perv!..."

Ichigo's remark angered Rukia. "I keep telling you, I'm not a perv!" "YES YOU ARE, YOU PERV!"

"Fine. I'll go see Renji then," Rukia said with tears running down her face. "Don't involve me in this conflict! I'm not the right guy to comfort people!" Renji was frantic. Rukia had called him up to come to the park, and he'd brought Byakuya along with him. Rukia grew ever more sad. "Does nobody love me?" she pleaded. "NII-SAMA?"

Byakuya just looked on at her, not sure how to react. "But I love you, Rukia! You're my greatest friend!" Orihime had come along for a walk, and spying a horrible case of bullying, had rushed to Rukia's defense. Ichigo was in denial. "But she's still a perv!" he exclaimed. By now Rukia had recovered from her bout of hysteria. "Still hanging onto that idea of perv, eh?" She forcefully stomped his face. "That doesn't change the fact that you're still a perv, perv," Ichigo replied with his face in the ground. Rukia was blowing steam from her ears. Suddenly getting an idea, she looked around to make sure people were paying attention. "DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! YOU PERVERT!" Hearing her cry of distress, hordes of people came and beat up Ichigo, while she looked on in satisfaction. While Ichigo was getting beat up, he still somehow found the strength to yell at Rukia. "YOU'RE THE PERV BECUASE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ME TOUCHING YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, PERVY RUKIA! AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT PERVS, TOO!"

Orihime stared in shock. "He's right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Renji decided to speak up. "Everyone stop fighting!" "Rukia isn't a perv, and Ichigo doesn't hate Chappys!"

Rukia looked at him proudly. "I knew you had it in you, Renji!"

"I just said that because I wanted to sleep! We're in the middle of the damn night, guys!"

Rukia was shocked. "WHAT? How did we argue into the middle of the night?"

Renji stomped angrily away. Byakuya followed soon after, and Ichigo tried to sneak away. "Everyone's so mean..." said Rukia with tears running down her face. Ichigo pulled a can of soda out of his backpack and popped it open. "That's what you get for being a perv," he replied, drinking his soda. "I'm going to sleep too," she said, turning away. "Good night!" Ichigo smiled brightly. Just as it seemed Rukia gave up, she turned around and yelled at the random people left who were lurking in the park. "HE WAS BEING PERVY THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS ACCUSING ME! JUST FEEL HIS YOU-KNOW-WHAT!" And she ran away, laughing like a maniac. Over in the bushes where I was hiding, watching this, I shook my head. "I think she's finally broken..." Sweatdrop.

* * *

Huh, I'm not really sure what the plural of Chappy would be.

This is from when me and a friend on deviantART were exchanging comments/roleplaying/whatever.

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo!


	6. Chapter 6: Why!

Why?

Ichigo was staying at home, taking a break from Hollow-hunting and just chillaxing on his computer, googling what fangirls had drawn about his epicness. Unbeknownst to him, several very good artists had taken up a certain form of art involving homosexuality... Looking through the pictures and stories, Ichigo came upon a seemingly innocent doujinshi. He proceeded to read it, seeing his Hollow side and assuming it was about him defeating Hichigo...

However, things did not go as planned. Ichigo's scream was so loud it scared all the birds in a 50-mile radius into hiding, and shattered the eardrums of several unsuspecting canines and felines. "WHAT THE F-censored- IS THIS S-censored-?" he yelled at the top of of his lungs. Rukia and Renji, who were over to visit, winced at the sheer volume his voice went up to.

"Ichigo, what's wrong?" Rukia asked. Renji hmphed. "There's no need to be so nice, Rukia. He nearly broke our eardrums just then!"

Rukia just ignored him. "What in Yamamoto's Hidden Candy Stash were you yelling about?"

Ichigo clicked the back button furiously until he'd exited the doujinshi (which by now you realize was one of yaoi). "There's nothing wrong!" he said panickedly. "I just...saw a really weird picture of a dragon eating me!" Renji looked up in interest. "A dragon eating you? That I have GOT to see," he exclaimed, getting up from the bed and walking over to stand behind Ichigo. "Come on, go back forward."

"NO!" Ichigo shrieked, making Renji and Rukia wince again. "Erm, that is, it's too disturbing..."

Rukia shook her head. "I've faced near-death a million times, and you tell me I'm too weak to look at a gory picture? Come on, Ichigo." She knelt down and tried to pry the mouse out of Ichigo's hands. However, he wouldn't let go, and they fought over it until Renji finally got fed up. "For the sake of Byakuya's Lipstick! Just use the arrow keys!" As he said it, his hands reached for the keyboard. Rukia restrained Ichigo, and the screen flipped to the first page of the doujinshi. Finally defeated, Ichigo went limp and hid his face (caught again!). After several long minutes of silence as they read through the entire doujinshi, Rukia spoke up. "I...I never knew you were so into...homosexuality, Ichigo...And with your own inner self too..."

"That 'dragon' is eating you...just not as we expected..." continued Renji. Rukia wrung her hands awkwardly. "Erm...I-I think we'll leave you to your devices now..." So saying, she and Renji backed away and sat back on Ichigo's bed, as far away from him as possible. Ichigo sighed in defeat. As soon as they'd turned away and gone back to their own stuff, a little voice in his head spoke up. "Hey, King. I never knew you were such a pervert." He could practically hear the smirk in the Hollow's voice. "Shut up," he replied in his head. "It's not my fault they won't hear my side of the story."

Hichigo snickered. "You're not so innocent yourself, King. Feel your crotch."

Ichigo felt where his Hollow self had suggested, and his face immediately grew red in embarrassment. Rukia looked over right then, but quickly turned her head away when she saw what she thought he was doing. "Shut up! You're making my body do that! Leave me alone!"  
Hichigo, however, was happy with what he was doing. "Nuh-uh. You want me to leave, you make me leave, and that means coming back in here and fighting me! This time I'll definitely win. So, you up for it, King?" said Hichigo with a smile in his voice that could be heard. "In your f-censored-ing dreams!" replied Ichigo. Too late, he realized he'd said it out loud. This time, both Rukia and Renji looked over at him with worried looks on their faces. He waved his hand at them to tell him he was alright, then went back to his conversation. "I'll never fight with you again!" said Ichigo into his head. But Hichigo had gone. Going back to his browsing, Ichigo found it hard to concentrate. All he seemed to see were the Yaoi pictures and stories, with some of the weirdest pairings. Him and Byakuya, him and Renji, him and Grimmjow, him and Ulquiorra, him and Uryu, him and Aizen, him and Gin, him and Ikkaku, for crying out loud. After viewing those pictures over and over again, Ichigo was finally fed up. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

The frustrated scream he let loose was heard over in Hueco Mundo, where Aizen was currently drawing out battle plans with Tousen and Gin. At the sound of Ichigo's loud voice, Aizen crushed the pencil he was using into a like of dust in his anger.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

In Ichigo's home, all three of them were freaked out by the strange echo, which sounded so much like Aizen...

* * *

Poor Ichigo. Always the subject of my torture. *evil laughter*

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, as always!


	7. Chapter 7: A Series of Reactions

A Series of Reactions

It's close to Spring Festival, and Orihime has made her special "Orihime's Onion, Crab and Pineapple Special Dessert Soup!" Let's see what everyone has to say about it!

First, the captains.

Yamamoto: Quite delicious, young girl. Soifon: *gives it to Yoruichi in cat form when Orihime's not looking*  
Unohana: *adds some vinegar* It's quite good, Inoue-san!  
Byakuya: ...*no comment*  
Komamura: More, please! This is quite scrumptious!  
Kyouraku: Ah...rather...exotic, isn't it!  
Hitsugaya: ...Short people like me aren't allowed to have soup...*panicking*  
Kenpachi: I think I'll have some of your cake instead.  
Mayuri: *takes potion to kill all taste buds temporarily* Ahahahaha! It's good now!  
Ukitake: Thank you, Inoue! *drinks soup, falls over coughing up blood and is taken to hospital*

Orihime: Im happy you all liked it! And I'm sorry, Ukitake-sama!

And now the lieutenants!

Sasakibe: Yes! You actually remembered to give me soup!  
Omaeda: I think it's good...  
Kira: *stares depressedly at soup* I need to go to the bathroom...*leaves and doesn't come back*  
Isane: It's relatively delicious. Hinamori: Hehe...you make...interesting...soup, Orihime-san...  
Renji: *takes one look and runs away screaming*  
Iba: Hrm, Hrm...food...  
Nanao: ...it's missing something...  
Hisagi: How do you like it, Rangiku-san? *not drinking soup at all*  
Rangiku: It tastes terrific, Orihime-chan!  
Yachiru: Boobies, your soup is good!  
Nemu: I don't need to eat...*lying*  
Rukia: Ehhh...Orihime-san, I'm not feeling well enough to eat your soup today...  
Orihime: It's okay if you can't eat it! It's okay!

Ichigo and Company! Wonder how they feel. Ichigo: Uh...hehehe...*runs away*  
Kon (in Ichigo's body): I LOVE THIS! *eats madly*  
Uryu: *backs away in fear*  
Chad: *eats like nothing is wrong*  
Keigo: *spends all his time staring at Orihime's boobs*  
Mizuiro: This is really delicious, Inoue-san. Tatsuki: It's...okay...good...  
Ryuuken: *watching hungrily from a distance*  
Isshin: SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!  
Karin: It's very good...  
Yuzu: Inoue-san, please teach me how to make this!  
Urahara: Good job, Inoue!  
Tessai: *sneaking laxatives into Urahara's soup*  
Ururu: Uhm...Orihime-san...thanks for the soup...  
Jinta: *feeding his soup to cat-Yoruichi*  
Yoruichi: *meows happily*  
Orihime: I love you guys! Thank you! *oblivious*

What about those random Shinigami that don't get enough screen time but everybody loves?

Ikkaku: *glares viciously at bowl of soup*  
Yumichika: The soup is as beautiful as its maker! *trying to be flirtatious and totally failing*  
Hanatero: Maybe I should make it better with this pill?  
Rikichi: Umm...it's okay...  
Akon: *adds random mixture to soup, takes a sip* Ah, delicious. *smokes his cig*  
Kiyone: I must give this to Ukitake Taichou while that big loafing idiot's sick!  
"Big Loafing Idiot" : *groan*  
Orihime: Glad you guys all liked it!

Aizen and company!

(Butterfl)Aizen: Where is the flower nectar?  
Tousen: I can't find my spoon...  
Gin: *hiding Tousen's spoon, not eating his soup*  
Orihime: ...

The Espada want some too!

Starrk: I'll go share this with Lilynette...*actually dumps the soup*  
Barragan: Perfect! Absolutely perfect!  
Halibel: I am physically unable to eat this...*points at her Hollow mask, fidgeting uncomfortably*  
Ulquiorra: ...Emos don't drink soup...  
Nnoitra: This is even better than Nel's cooking...  
Grimmjow: Ulquiorra! Your girlfriend makes nice soup! *crady grin (SQUEE!)*  
Zommari: It tastes like pumpkin...*sudden realization* I am a cannibal. Szayel: Hrm...*analyzing the soup like a good little scientist*  
Aaroniero: We can't eat! THIS TANK IS PREFENTIN US FROM INDULGING IN THIS STRANGE SUBSTANCE YOU CALL "FOOD!"  
Yammi: ...the bowls are too small for me...*crushes his bowl accidentally, bends the spoon into a paper clip*  
Orihime: I'm sorry if something's wrong! And Ulquiorra...DRINK. YOUR. SOUP.

And some Arrancars!

Lilynette: Blech! I mean, it's pretty good! *painful thumbs up*  
Ggio: ...  
Choe Neng Poww: Need more. Mila Rose: It's...exotic...like me!  
Sun-Sun: I was wrong. This is good. Apacci: *shivers in disgust at the sight of meat*  
Loly: Where's...? *looks around for her friend, ignoring the soup*  
Menoly: *lost, trying to follow the scent of soup*  
Tesra: *stares down at his soup, lost in thought*  
Ilforte: My hair! It keeps getting caught in this soup!  
Di Roy: *his mask falls over into the soup splashing it all over the table* Oops...  
Edorad: ...  
Shawlong: Eeemmm...*secretly dumps his bowl of soup*  
Verona and Lumina: *bounce up and down, spilling soup everywhere*  
Charlotte: I'm too beautiful for food like this! *snooty air*  
Wonderweiss: Hraa!...Aaaaa!...*drinks soup loudly*  
Orihime: Ano...thanks?...

The zanpakutou are hungry too, it seems.

Zangetsu: Hmm...tastes better than rain...^_^ Sode no Shirayuki: Good...it's okay...  
Haineko: Oh, yum! *purrs*  
Tobiume: *ignoring her soup, pinches Haineko*  
Wabisuke: Too heavy...to eat...*falls over*  
Zabimaru: *fighting over who gets to not eat the soup*  
Kazeshini: *kills his bowl and runs away*  
Senbonsakura: ...I don't wanna take off my mask to eat...  
Sogye no Kotowari: Take it off, Senbon-san! We wanna see your face!  
Katen Kyokotsu: *stony silence*  
Suzumebachi: This bowl is too big for me!  
Houzakimaru: Lucky dance time! I hope this soup is good...  
Ruriiro Kujaku: The soup is so beautiful...  
Hyourinmaru: The soup is too hot. Ashisogi Jizou: Burble?  
Gegutsuburi: More! More! More!  
Mizuke: *sits in his/her/its green cloak, ignoring the soup*  
Muramasa: *too busy coughing up and crying blood to eat*  
Orihime: For filler characters, you sure do love my soup! *happy smile*

Alas, by the time this was over, all of Orihime's soul was gone (much to the relief of several unappreciative people, Shinigami, Arrancar, humans, and zanpakutou spirits alike ahem, ahem). She returned home, happy at a good day's work. And in the end, Ulquiorra DID drink his soup. Just so you know.

* * *

I got bored, and wondered how people would react to Orihime's soup...

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo.


	8. Chapter 8: Drunk

Drunk

Ichigo was drunk. **WOAH WOAH WAIT A MINUTE.** Was Ichigo even old enough to have alcohol? Let's see...since this is before he lost his powers, fifteen...Okay. Definitely not old enough to have it. But he still drank it. (Ichigo, you delinquent! xD)

Back to the story...it was obvious Ichigo was drunk. He had no sense of balance, bloodshot eyes, was leaning on Rukia and Renji for support, and was proclaiming his everlasting love to anybody in sight (_"I LOVE YOU TATSUKI!" *a kick in the face from Tatsuki*_)  
Truth be told, his supports weren't too sober either! Only slightly less drunk than Ichigo. An analysis: Ichigo had 8 glasses of beer, 5 of some vodka, a bit of whiskey, and a few shots. Ohmyholyaizensunderwear, that is a lot of alcohol. Rukia, in comparison, had only drunk a martini or three. And Renji had had 4 cups of root beer float, in which had been added some (not-so)diluted shots of Captain Morgan. Overall, they were drunk. So it was with no wonder that when they entered Ichigo's house, the minute his dad kicked them they fell like bowling pins. "ICHIGO! What the hell were you doing out so late? Your sisters and I were worried to death!" Tears poured out of Isshin's eyes as he stood over the trio angrily. Karin just stared at them, deadpan. "Dad...I don't think he can answer..."

Rukia looked up and immediately put her acting skills into use. "Oh, Mr. Kurosaki, I'm so sorry! We meant to come back earlier, but there was a stray cat and we followed it, but it lead us down a road where a car came at us, and to save both the cat and us, his friends, he pushed us out of the way, jumping in front of the car!" She wiped her brow. "Thankfully, the driver stopped in time! But on the way back he ran into a...a..."

"Flying monkey tree," Renji interjected drunkenly.

"A telephone pole! And flying monke birds dive-bombed his head and I don't know what's wrong!" She began (fake) crying and crumpled into a sad little pile on the ground (completely fake). Upon hearing this, Ichigo's dad instantly forgave her. "IT'S ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR DAUGHTER RUKIA! I'll look at him right now! And from now on call me **dad**!" He jumped forward, trying to hug her.

Successfully evading his embrace and sending him crashing into the wall, Rukia made up more lies. "Oh, but Renji's hurt even worse than Ichigo! You HAVE to look at him first! (He got into a fight at...wherever they were drinking...about his hair and tattoos apparently some punk decided they had more tattoos than him, it got into some kind of showdown...They both got seriously pwned...)" She grabbed Renji's arm and waved it around, sobbing (fakely) the whole time. "OF COURSE I'LL-" Isshin paused for a moment. "Hold on! Who is this Renji person?"

"Ah ah He's my...my dead brother's brother-in-law!" Rukia bluffed frantically. "Grrrmmm...Kuchiki Taichou's brother?...What the hell?..." Rukia quickly covered Renji's mumbling mouth with her hand, nearly suffocating him with Essence of Rukia's Martini-Scented Hand. Upon hearing Rukia's lie, Ichigo's dad became animated again. "OF COURSE I'LL CHECK ON HIM, MY DEAR DAUGHTER!" He sprang into action, grabbing Renji and dragging him to the clinic. Rukia, on the other hand, somehow got Ichigo up the stairs and into his room. "Mmmggrrrsshhbbbhuuu?... Rukia?... What der heque's going on?..."

"Ichigo! You're finally back a little bit! You got drunk at (insert random place of where they got drunk) and we just got ba-"

"Mmmrrrguuurrrr...I LOVE YOU RUKIA!"

Down in the clinic, Ichigo's dad grinned proudly. "That's my boy! You tell her!"

"-back to your home! Your dad's t-"

"Guuurppph!...I LOVE YOU DAD!"

Down in the clinic, Isshin pumped his fist in victory. "LOVE YA TOO, MY DEAR SONNNNN!" He went back to checking Renji's injuries.

"-treating Renji, and he should be do-"

"Huunnnnnrrrrrpppppttt...I LOVE YOU RENJI!"

Ichigo's dad looked up in shock. "Uhr...THAT'S RIGHT, MY SON! ANNOUNCE YOUR GAYNESS PROUDLY AND LOUDLY!"

Yuzu popped her head in the room. "Erm...Is Ichig-"

"I LOVE YOU YUZU!"

"Uh...love you too!" Yuzu backed out, but immediately was followed by Karin.

"Rukia-chan, is Ichi-Nii going to-"

"I LOVE YOU KARIN!"

Karin threw a shoe at Ichigo and left the room. Rukia stared at him, astounded by how loud he could scream. "Ichigo...!"

"I LOVE YOU RUKIA!"

Told you he was drunk. Epilogue!: When he woke up the next day, dirty looks were given to him by his neighbors. Upon hearing the full story...Well, I'm sure you can imagine what happened next. (Ka-boom! XD)

* * *

So...underage drinking, eh? Don't do it. It's bad (bad, I tell you! **B-A-D!**)

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo.


	9. Chapter 9: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Rōjūrō and the weird new Quincy, NaNaNa, were preparing to face off into their new battle. "Sorry...but you're gonna have to lose this battle, Shinigami," proclaimed the starfish hairdo-ed guy, flexing his fingers.

To his surprise, however, instead of cowering in fear or drawing his zanpakutou, Rōjūrō..._smiled._ A huge, big smile. Which scared the crap out of NaNaNa, though he would never admit it.

"I'm not gonna lose if I use my...ultimate weapon," Rōjūrō said, drawing out a hidden something from behind his back...

_ Strumstrum strum-de STRUMM!_ The sound of a ukelele drifted through the skies of Soul Society, along with Rōjūrō's voice. "WHY CAN'T WEEEEEEE BE FRIENDS, WHYCANT WEEEEEE BE FRIENDS!"

NaNaNa stood there stunned, starfish hairdo beginning to crumple all around him. Over where Komamura and Bambietta stood, tears began forming at the corners of their eyes, as they ran to hug each other. Hitsugaya began getting emotional, looking over at the Quincy he was fighting in hopes of remedying their current situation. "THE COLOR OF YOUR SKIN DON'T MATTER TO ME, AS LONG AS WE CAN LIVE IN HARMONY!"

Even As Nodt seemed moved, in all of his/her/its/shim's seeming uncaringness. He/she/it/shim ran towards Byakuya, looking for a hug, while Renji intercepted it halfway with an enormous bear hug. Byakuya merely shook his/her/its/shim's hand. Aizen, in his cell, heard the song with tears running down his face, wondering why in Yamamoto's beard he hadn't realized this earlier and become better friends with Soul Society.

Everything was going well, with both sides willing to make up. That is, until the creepy hooded long-haired Quincy guy standing up in the sky shot a bolt of _something_ at Rōjūrō's ukelele, shattering it into a million gazillion pieces and ending the awesome song. A horrible twang sounded through the air, ending the spell.

Now broken, the spell had nada effect on the fighting soul-people-things anymore. Bambietta and Komamura immediately sprang apart from their hug, Hitsugaya stopped feeling emotional, and Byakuya immediately withdrew his hand and stabbed As Nodt with Senbonsakura, barely giving Renji enough time to jump away. And you know what happened after that.

But what of Rōjūrō and NaNaNa? What were they doing?

Well, Rōjūrō was on his knees, holding the shattered remains of his ukelele (not much left) and shouting at the weird hooded unnamed Quincy up in the sky. "Curse you! That was a genuine palm tree wood ukelele from Hawaii! With special carvings done painstakingly by hand by the Hawaiian natives! Have you no sense of art!"

"No, he doesn't." NaNaNa interrupted Rōjūrō's lament. "Just like me."

Rōjūrō, still bent over the shattered remains of his ukelele (not much left), turned his head, genuine tears streaming down his face. "Shut up, Quincy freak."

* * *

I got out of my non-writing funk created by writer's block...and wrote this :D  
But if you haven't been keeping up with the Bleach manga, this'll make no sense at all. Sadly. And if you don't know who Rojuro is yet... wiki/R%C5%8Dj%C5%ABr%C5%8D_%C5%8Ctoribashi This might help a bit. And again, another character who's birthday isn't even remotely close to mine (August 5th).

Bleach still belongs to Tite Kubo. Oh...and it hurts my nonexistent pride to do this, but I am begging for a review *sweatdrop, please* hehehahe.


	10. Chapter 10: The Hitsugaya Incident

Teh Hitsugaya Incident

Gin is still the captain of Squad 3, and he's filled with boredom on this warm sunny day. He decides to take a walk into the forest, and immediately spies Hitsugaya Taichou, standing by a tree. Creeping up on him...and then, Gin decides to pat Toushiro's head. A sudden silence...

"BANKAI! DAIGUREN HYOURINMARU!"

"Now now, Hitsugaya Taichou, you're being a bit HASTY!"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You'll pay for that, Gin! YAAAAAAHHHHH!"

* * *

A while later, both of them can be found sitting outside Squad 4 barracks. Gin lets out a long sigh.

"Taichou!" Matsumoto arrives, looking disheveled and carrying an armload of candy. "I heard you got into a fight...Gin?"

Gin waves his right hand, which is bandaged from his fingertips to the middle of his forearm. "Ello, Rangiku! Long time no see...what've you got there?"

"I brought some chocolate for—"

"MINE! MINE! MINE! CANDY!"

"Have some, Taichou! It's delicious!" Such a panicked voice...

As Hitsugaya glomps onto the candy, Gin remarks, "He does rather have a fetish* for candy, hm?"

* * *

Toushiro's point of view

'The last piece of candy: Gin is holding it! I have to get it! Have to get it! Have to—'

"No more candy for you today! After all, a father must take care of his son!"

'Father? HIS SON?' "WHAT DID YOU SAY, GIN?"

"Please, don't hurt me!"

"Oh but it's true, Taichou! Gin and I are your parents!" That was Matsumoto...

'WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFF!'

End Toushiro's point of view

* * *

Picture this: It's a bright, sunny day, filled with happiness. Yet Hitsugaya Taichou is sitting on a rock, bawling his eyes out. Ichigo is running by, but stops when he sees Hitsugaya's tears.

"What's wrong, Toushiro?"

"I just found out that my very own Fuku-Taichou is my mother!" *insert long heartbreaking wail from little white-haired kid*

Ichigo thinks this sounds fishy. "Erm...Who's your dad?"

Throwing himself onto Ichigo, Hitsugaya cries, "My dad is GIN!"

SHOCK! This was definitely a lie. Ichigo wondered how Toushiro could believe a lie like that. SHOCK!

"Come on. I need to have a talk with your 'parents.'" Ichigo tied a rope onto Toushiro and dragged him along behind himself.

There'll be hell to pay when Ichigo finally gets there...

* * *

The mess with Toushiro's "parents" is finally sorted out. Hitsugaya Taichou is dealing out his punishments...

"Why do I have to wear this stupid hat?" That's Rangiku.

"Do you even have to ask, Matsumoto?" Tsk tsk tsk. Anger is bad for you, Hitsugaya Taichou.

Rangiku is given job after job after job after job...until she finally can't stand it anymore and breaks.

"This is unfair, Taichou! It was only a little joke! Blahblahblahblah ongongongongong blahblah so mean!"

Meanwhile, Toushiro just stares on, annoyed.

* * *

Now it's time for Gin. Hitsugaya is looking forward to this...

"Hitsugaya Taichou...This is all Rangiku's fault!"

"Blaming someone else won't help! I'm not forgiving you, Gin!"

Insert Gin's adorable face. No response.

Insert Gin's "Puss in Boots" face...With opened eyes. Silence...

FACEPALM! "Fine. You're forgiven." And Gin rushes out, practically sparkling with happiness.

* * *

Later, we find Hitsugaya Taichou sitting in a tree, muttering to himself, "How am I so weak?" We forgive you Hitsugaya Taichou, it was the "Puss in Boots" look. Nobody can withstand that.

**END**

* * *

*Fetish -any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence,respect, or devotion: _to make a fetish of high grades. _( ) So, not meant in the sexual way it usually is nowadays.  
I'm very sorry for not updating in ages...I've been..."busy."


	11. Chapter 11: Dust, dust, dust

"Albert Einstein?"

"Yeah, we can try." Lilynette dialed up his number on her fancy new cell phone. _boop...boop..._"Hello?"

There was silence on the other end for a moment. Lilynette strained to hear for a moment, before falling out of her chair as a booming voice sounded from her phone. "DUST...DUST...DUST..."

"NOPENOPENOPE." She quickly hit the red button. "Who else?"

"Famous people...uhrm..." Apacci frowned, flipping through the history book. "Some dude called Newton, I—"

"Hello?" Lilynette had already dialed the number.

"WE'RE NOT CALLED FIG NEWTONS ANYMORE, DUMBASSES! GET AWAY FROM HERE!" And then a dial tone.

"—as I was saying, idiot, _Isaac _Newton."

"Calling him." Lilynette popped a lollipop into her mouth while waiting. "Hello?"

"...dust…dust…dust….."

"Nope."

"Um...George Washington."

"Hello?"

"Dust...dust..."

"Dammit Apacci! Try and choose someone who's _NOT_dead or an asshole!" Lilynette was mildly angry now.

Apacci leaned back in her chair, annoyed. "Well, I'm TRYING! Gosh, it's not like it's my fault this dumb book only has dead old geezers..." She flipped through some more pages. "Marie...Curie?..."

"Dialing. Hello?"

"...lady-dust...lady-dust...lady-dust..."

Lilynette threw the phone across the room, before racing to go pick it up again. "ANOTHER ONE!"

"QIN SHI HUANG DI!" Apacci stood up abruptly.

"HELLO?!"

"DUST DUST DUST DUST—"

"BILL NYE!"

"HELLO?!"

"BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY! Bill Bill Bill B—"

"NEXT NUMBER!"

"CRAZY HORSE!" Apacci glared at Lilynette for a moment. "WHY ARE WE YELLING?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Lilynette yelled back, dialing. "Hello?"

"Fightdust!...protectdust!...abwabwadust!...dussst!..."

Apacci sighed, slamming the book shut. "Should we just give up?...how about Henry VIII of England?..."

"Hello?"

"Dust...royaldust...dust...dust..."

Lilynette hung up in disgust, tossing the cell phone over her shoulder and out the window. "To hell with this!"

In their hiding spot, Nel giggled with Pesche and Dondonchakka. "Teehee! Teasing people is weally fun!"

Pesche clapped. "Our Nel is learning so fast!...I'm so proud! I would cry tears of happiness if I could!"

Apacci and Lilynette soon fell over, the effects of the strange drug that little green-haired child had given them finally wearing off allowing them to fall asleep.

Outside the window, the cell phone crackled, before a creepy dried-up voice emerged from it. "Dust...dussst...duuussssst..."

* * *

This is based on a game friends and I used to play when we were younger. Basically, one of us would pretend to call some famous (usually dead) person, and the other would answer pretending to be that person. Except since that person's dead, we'd pretend that there was nothing left but dust, and the friend impersonating the famous person would go "dust...dust...dust" or some variation of that. It was extremely funny at the time for some reason.

And in here...basically, Nel (with the help of Pesche and Dondonchakka) gave Lilynette and Apacci some kind of drug or whatever that made them all loopy, and then gave them a hacked cell phone and a sort of phone book with a bunch of dead people and those people's "phone numbers." Lilynette and Apacci, being on drugs, believe this and are making calls...with the mysterious cell phone...Mwahahaha  
Sorry if it makes no sense...


End file.
